The onion dating personals

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Longing for the day their bickering at last grew into something more, local woman Nadia Samuelson told reporters Tuesday that she was still holding onto hope that her toxic friendship with area man Michael Nussbaum could blossom into a toxic relationship.

NEW YORK—Saying her manipulative tactics weren’t going to faze him one bit, local man Brett Snyder told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t about to let the mind games of his ex-girlfriend’s natural moving-on process mess with his head.

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.

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TAMPA, FL—Saying that sitting in the same boardroom together still feels completely surreal, former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter told reporters Thursday that he had finally fulfilled a lifelong dream of starting a business venture with Jeb Bush.LOS ANGELES—Weighing the pros and cons of the palm-muted low-E-string lick, Metallica’s 12-member board of directors reportedly debated Wednesday whether lead guitarist Kirk Hammet’s newest riff might negatively impact the band’s shareholder value.NEW YORK—Receiving a long round of applause from the captivated audience, local business analyst Jacob Hoff reportedly just crushed the presentation of an idea that will soon completely bankrupt his company, sources said Monday.NEW YORK—Admitting they badly need to turn their business around, executives at struggling media company Vidmark Interactive confided to sources Tuesday that their situation has become so dire they may have to consider giving a job to someone who is actually qualified to hold it.NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday.

PORTLAND, OR—Saying she couldn’t believe she went to all the effort, 26-year-old Kara Velasquez expressed anger and frustration Tuesday at having gotten completely drunk just to be stood up on a first date.

DEKALB, IL—Painstakingly sifting through multiple social media accounts as she cross-referenced a series of names, dates, and locations, area woman Alexis Gill, 28, reportedly pieced together a timeline of her boyfriend’s past relationships Tuesday like a detective hot on the trail of the Zodiac Killer.

Whether it means to be or not, online dating is hilarious.

AUGUSTA, ME—In a dark harbinger of troubled times to come, recently hired office manager Mel Pritchard reportedly placed a new assortment of tea bags in Greydon Media’s kitchen drawer Friday, the first terrifying signal of what to expect from her regime.

NEW YORK—Saying it regularly provides him with the motivation he needs to get through the day, Estée Lauder senior vice president Mark Evans told reporters Friday he keeps a photo of a sobbing 15-year-old girl on his desk to remind himself why he does this.

NEW YORK—Saying it would mark a significant change in the company’s direction, Paradigm Marketing CEO Paul Dannon announced Monday a bold new plan that was evidently intended to undo the havoc caused by last year’s bold new plan.